Intended for Good

I am moved today by the incredible blessing of the internet. In just the last couple of weeks I have been connected through it with several Godly women who write about their lives, their walk with God, and most importantly, about Him. I have been encouraged, made to laugh, moved to tears, and so incredibly blessed by words that reflect God's love and provision for us. What a gift in this world of busy lives that make relationship difficult! I have to confess to feelings of loneliness of late, but also have to confess to God's goodness as He has provided connection for me through something I have access to most of the time-the World Wide Web. How like our God to bring so much good out of something that also has the potential to harm. Today I praise Him for His sovereignty and for Godly women who serve Him with their words.

Rude awakening

I am soooo tired.
Bob and I were quite tired last night and were both very happy to have the opportunity to go to bed at a decent time-something's that hard to do on most nights. I fell asleep promptly and was as fast asleep as it is possible to be without the help of medication when the neighbour's dog frantically barked right outside our bedroom window. At 2:15 am. Talk about being jolted awake!
Our mama cat has 5 very cute kittens right now (want one?) and they have been spending their time on our deck. This particular dog, who happens to have a taste for kittens, has discovered this and stops by every now and then to visit. Each time he's come he has been chased away, injured (body and pride), by the mama, but for some strange reason he keeps coming back for more.
So last night at 2:15 AM he was loudly escorted off the premises, thereby interupting our blissful sleep. And you know how it is when you get woken up so quickly-you can't sleep again for a while. In our case-not until 3:30. And the alarm goes off at 6. Coffee anyone?
I do have to say though that I respect mama cat for her faithful protection of her babies. Neighbour dog is BIG - part Rotweiler and part German Shepherd. She's one tough cookie to fight him off. She's my hero today.
Now for some coffee.....

Pretty

A short while ago Bob and I and our kids were at the cabin with my parents. The morning schedule was such that I didn’t feel the need to do the usual hair and makeup routine, which is one of the best things of being out at the lake.
No one to impress or at the very least no one that would think any less of me for not trying to look my best. What struck me though as the day went on and I became a little self conscious was that in the eyes of my Dad and
husband, I was beautiful. They probably hadn’t even noticed that anything was different! For that moment I saw myself the way they see me and I was moved and humbled. They hadn’t said anything and to this day have no idea I even had these thoughts, but right then, I KNEW that they love me simply because of who I am and because I am their daughter or wife. They’ve told me that countless times, but on that day, I actually got it and believed it. I am moved by such a pure love and humbled as I address my insecurities and vanity in light of such love and acceptance.

Now, I know that despite my daily attempts at looking my best, I will never be model material or even head turning. I know that and I’m OK with that. What this has revealed to me is how much value I have been putting on my image and appearance. I wanted people to see me at my best at all times so that they would think (I knew the real truth) that I had it together and was worthy of their admiration. Boy, that’s ugly when I write it down, but as I study “No Other Gods” by Kelly Minter, God is revealing these areas of my life in which I have been putting way too much value and I think this is one of them. The very cool thing is that as He revealed this one to me that day, He did it through the very real love of the two most important men in my life. What grace and gentleness!

The other incredible thing this has revealed to me is that now that I’ve gotten a glimpse of that truth, I am motivated in a different way to be beautiful for them. Funny how the freedom to not worry about how I looked on the outside has motivated me to be my best for them. I want them to be proud of me and to take delight in me. So I do what I can to look fresh and pretty, but now with complete freedom . The difference is significant because it comes from a feeling of acceptance, not a need to impress others. If I am honest with myself , my attempts at beauty before this were not for them, but for the people out there that I wanted to have a good impression of me. It was a cover.

The real beauty that comes from real love and acceptance is worth a thousand times more than any admiration someone could give you for what’s on the surface.

I love that this revelation also addresses my relationship with Jesus. He sees me as beautiful too. Not because I have it together, but because I am His daughter and because He values who I am in Him. The freedom that comes from that moves me and humbles me as well, and in that I am drawn to Him in a new way. Nothing I do on the outside will affect His love, yet somehow, knowing that causes me to want to obey Him and stay near Him. Such purity and freedom! It can only be found in Him and I am thankful.

Lies

I am feeling the sting of rejection, and it hurts. And like the sting of an insect, the pain doesn’t go quickly, it lingers and aches even after the initial shock is over.

I feel like I am shouting words of love that simply aren’t heard. How could things go so wrong when we started out with such hope and promise?

How can my love not be enough?

Someone I love more than my own life can’t see that I do. Somewhere along the way lies have been spoken into her ears and she has accepted them as truth. I am reminded of something I read earlier this week- “Satan will tell us what’s true, but he never tells us the truth.” (Michael Wells) Some of what this person is clinging to is true, but it is not the truth. What destruction comes from this!

And then I am challenged to remember that once again, God knows exactly how I feel. How often does He shout words of love into my life that I simply don’t hear? How often do I buy the lies when the truth is right in front of me? His heart must ache as He waits for me to see His Truth.

So I will wait too. Wait for her eyes to be opened and for her heart to be ready to accept what is here for her. Not perfection, but true nonetheless.

May that day come quickly.

I'm baaaack...

If I still have anyone out there who occasionally drops by to see if I've written any words here- thank you and sorry for the dry spell.

It's not a coincidence that I ran out of energy and things to say exactly when I started home schooling my girls. While we so clearly felt God's guidance and leading as we made the decision of whether or not to bring the girls home to finish their school year, and while it's been an amazing experience, it has taken up any residual brain energy I may have had.

I am so thankful for this opportunity and enjoy having the girls at home, but it is a lot of work. I typically spend 1-2 hours an evening preparing work for Emilie, which basically equals any "down time" I used to have. My mornings also include some last minute prep, which takes at least 15-30 minutes more.

I am really enjoying the prep and studying I have to do and Emilie soaks up everything I send her way, which makes the prep a lot of fun, too. I wish so much that I wasn't working as well as schooling the girls, because what fun we would have if we had whole days together to explore!

Katy has struggled some with remaining focused and driven, but the change in her and the loss of the stress that came from being in the High School environment has been remarkable and so worth while. My girl was suffering and again, I am thankful that she could come home to heal and to grow. It hasn't been easy, not by a long shot, but it has been and continues to be worthwhile.

So, all that to explain why even though God has been faithfully teaching me and drawing me closer, I've had nothing to write down here. I do feel the stirrings again and I'm so grateful. I think there was a part of me that was worried that the "spilling over" that happened on this blog had dried up. I loved having a place to spill out what God was teaching me-because when He teaches-there's more truth and love than I can hold! It has to go somewhere!

Anyway, if anyone does read this, consider these rambling thoughts as my commitment and stated desire to keep going here and to keep telling of His faithfulness in my life. I love to hear from you-take a moment and tell me if you dropped by.

Discouraged?

I just have to take a few minutes here at work and say out loud (in writing anyway) that I am choosing to trust God in the face of discouragement. Church life has it's ups and downs, good and bad, just like every other part of life, and somedays that just gets to a person. That is, if I don't go to my knees in submission and petition before God.

I know for me, before Him is where things change and my perspective gains balance again. Before Him, the problems don't seem so big. Before Him, I am reminded that He is ultimately Lord, and even if things are not going the way I think they should, He is still there and is still working it together for good. Oh how I love that I can trust His faithfulness!

I'm so thankful that today, on a day that has brought some unexpected discouragement, I also received some unexpected encouragement through some very real answers to a long prayed prayer for someone I love very much. I am reminded again that He is bigger than I give Him credit for and that His timing is best, by a long shot.

So what am I saying? Good question. I'm writing on the fly here with thoughts going in several directions, one of those thoughts being that I should be working on something else, but I just have to say again that going to Jesus with everything is the key to real peace. If I bring Him my dashed hopes, my frustration, my weakness, disappointment in others, and all those other discouraging things, I see them in a different light and gain fresh hope and fresh eyes to see all that is good and all that He is doing. Isn't that cool? I will gladly bow before Him for that!

Thanks for listening. I feel better now....

Happy Birthday

My brother Ken would have turned 40 today.

One night, 3 1/2 years ago, in the blink of an eye, he was gone from us, leaving a gaping hole in our family that we will never be able to fill.

There's been healing, definitely, but sometimes the pain is still so acute I could physically double over. It's only by God's glorious, boundless grace that my parents, Bob and I and our kids, and most of all Ken's wife and girls, have been able to go on without his laugh, crazy sense of humour and tender love.

How I would love to still have him here, so I could make a big deal about his 40th birthday! I'd call him and tease him and somehow let him know I was proud of him and that I love my little brother.

But instead of doing that, I will remember him in a special way today and treasure the memories of so much love and laughter. I will treasure this day with my family and friends, knowing there are no guarantees of more time. I will thank my God for giving me a brother like Ken to love and remember and then praise Him for being our Comforter and Strength. He is good.

Happy Birthday, Ken.